How to recognise real Dubliners

They do the following ...

Drive a Fiat Bravo with tinted windows, spoilers and go faster stripes; and say things like:

• "Go wan ye mad yoke"
• "Storeeeeee bud"
• "Aroigh man wots de craic"
• "Me bird has me up in court for may-enance burr oim still meetin yor wan sharden from de temple te-ator "
• "She's a birrova tramp and she has four sprogs 'n' all but she's mad inta me, know worroi mean man"
• "Ahh stop would ye, I was bleedin banjoed man, banjoed"
• "Ouura de bikky"!

Call their mother Aul Wan and their father Aul Lad

Possess bum fluff on upper lip (also applies to young ones)

Social life revolves around Dr.Quirkeys, De Back Gayh (Back Gate), Da Shoooters Complex, Da Blue Banana or Jehs (Jets)

Always have a box of 10 Johnny Blue on ya.

On special occassions such as court appearances /christenings/funerals you must wear faded blue Levis rammed up your arse,must be accompanied by check ben sherman shirt, with diamond jumper draped over your arm for the dressy look.

Enormous sovereign rings on every finger, for girls huge gold creole and T-bar pendant. For da fellas, gold mobile phone or boxing glove pendant from elizabeth duke collection at Argos.

Multi-coloured Scanda or Patagonia jackets are essential part of wardrobe. Must be worn with tie cord around the waist pulled tightly. It is also obligatory to wear baseball caps with the peak sitting on top of your forehead to reveal greasy fringe.

Have lots of experience of sitting down the back of the bus terrorising normal commuters while writing graffiti on the seats such as Whacko + Rasher = Pals

Posters of Tupac/ Aslan to be placed on bedroom walls. All knackerettes must think that Christy Digman is a "riyed".

Always carry a packet of Rizla in case someone wants to "skin up".

Portrait of your arse must be embedded into at least one wall where you sit every night all night and tell the houses owners to f*** off when they protest.

Chain must hang out over jumper at all times.

Know the Macaris take away menu off by heart.

Be mates with a Doyler, Git, Rayo, Whacker or Mousey.

Girls are called Naaath'lee (Natalie), Jasinteh (Jacinta), Janeh (Janet), Imeldeh (Imelda), Shar'din (Sharon) or Traycee (Tracy)...Not that these aren't nice names but when said with a thick Dublin accent that you could cut bread with they take on another significance.

For da younger skangers, a moped is an essential form of transport. Helmet must be worn balancing on top of head and not actually on it.

Pram from Da Social Worker (big enough to store stolen goods) and young child with made up name Jenny Jones Show name such as D'yewanneh and D'yelikeh essential from the up and coming knackerette.

Spit on the pavement at least every 3 seconds.

All you relatives live in the same block of flats / street / prison wing.

Nearest thing you have been to nature is knacker drinkin down de canal or pickpocketing culchies who come up to Dublin on Dec 8th to get their Christmas Clothes

Copy of The Sun or The Irish Star to be held in back pocket at all times.

Pretend to follow League of Ireland but only go for the fights.

Own Celtic Jersey with your own name on the back.

Constantly have a scowl on your face that makes people afraid to approach you.

Your Buurd is up da powil or has a little fucker.

Rottweiller is essential to keep up the hardman image and threaten innocent people walking the streets. Tell them if they even look crossways that you'll get your dog to "bite the bleddin bollix off dem".

ab. City Centre consists of Henry St & O'Connell St, the odd venture to the Donnybrook Kiddies disco in necessary at least once a month to terrorise "de poshies".

Left school before age 16.

Time spent from June to October is collecting for the bon-fiyer.

House called something imaginative like Old Trafford or Celticville.

Name written on at least 10 lamposts near "your gaff" i.e. "Anto is a queer. Naaaahlee is a sluh "

Whistle at everyone and walk with arms swinging and exaggerated limp. Common greetings called out to mates include, "Stahry Bud" or "Ahh righ Shaymo".

Name must end with an o e.g. Anto, Rayo, Micko for the boys and end with an ie for the girls, Naaahlie, Trayyysie.

Summer holidays are always in Courtown or da Canaries and you think its the best thing since sliced bread